what do you want?
what is it do you truly want? do you actually even know?
i don't think there is wrong with anything you want if that want is truly your want. in fact, i think most of us would be better of if we each truly did what we wanted. i dont think many people actually do. for the purposes of this essay/topic, let's exclude the edge cases like serial killing or doing something that is harmful to you or other beings.
for e.g. there is nothing wrong at all if you want to be wealthy and may actually be better for other people. naval ravikant is a prime example of this. he is so unapologetic about being wealthy. he got wealthy in an ethical and productive way that society actually benefited tremendously by him following his "selfish" desire. and then he taught and shared how to become wealthy. i would love people like naval to want to be wealthy. we would all benefit from more people like him to be wealthy. if you have a sincere desire for wealth like him, i implore you to be wealthy as fuck for yours and all of ours sake.
i think the problem with want is when it's not really what you want. for e.g. at a certain point in my life, i thought i wanted to be a medical doctor. but, i didn't really. i wanted what i perceived being a doctor was about - my parent's approval, respect, being seen as intellectual, and the income. my want wasn't really my want. and because of that, i really struggled when it came to the studies. being a MD required someone to do excel in the premed courses. and i really didn't have motivation to study to get a good grade. i had to force myself to study for a good grades and i really struggled to be a B student. i had trouble disciplining myself to study and then feeling bad because i couldn't. and then at one point in biology class, i would study the topics that interested me rather than the material that would be on the exams. i just didn't care about the grades enough, but i did care about learning some topics in bio and something interesting happened.
i was reading on cancer and how it was essentially controlled by genes that would promote cellular growth and/or inhibit cell growth and that there needed to be a balance or a cell would grow uncontrollably until it starts to take over the host - which is basically what cancer is in a nutshell. all the cancer treatments were about killing the tumor like is done in chemotherapy, but if it can kill cancer cells, it can (and does) kill your non-cancerous cells which is why chemotherapy has such destructive side effects. an idea that occurred to me in my bio 101 class was what if instead of killing the cancer cells, we treat it without killing it and instead treating it or making it like an ally rather than an enemy. it's a crazy idea isn't? why would you try to befriend cancer? i didn't remember the more technical or biological mechanisms while writing this (~12 years ago) but it wasn't just idealogical, but feasible. i later googled it and it turns out that at that time, cutting edge cancer research was exploring exactly that path - treating cancer cells as allies rather than enemies. the mechanisms being researched is either differentiating or reprogramming the cells to non harmful cells or immune cells that can target the cancer cells. i don't know how effective this path turned out or will turn out to be (i didn't see anything conclusive as it's still not conclusive 12 years later!), but it's not bad for a B student in an intro bio class 12 years ago right?
i didn't decide to pursue that line of study as i thought the physician path was the destination for me, but i was definitely wrong there. i eventually did have the sense to follow my interests - which was software development. i stumbled into programming by trying to build a startup as a non-technical founder. i had a hard time finding a technical cofounder so i decided to just code the MVP myself and once i started that path, i realized how much i enjoyed programming. i would think of code first thing in the morning to before i slept. i didn't need discipline to study or program. i needed discipline to not study or not program and do basic creature things like take a shower or cook something healthy. 9 years later i'm still a software developer and at a senior level without taking any CS or programming classes in college or even initially having any friends or family in that field or even wanting to be in that field. i stumbled into it by following my interests.
i've had pretty bad anxiety for most of my life. there was a point i couldn't even order pizza on the phone about 10 years ago. about 2 years ago, i developed a sudden interest in philosophy and spirituality which helped to cure my debilitating general and social anxiety. none of my therapists or doctors or even self improvement books and habits cured that. and now i can talk in front of a large group of people with an ease i would have paid anything for. and even more recently i've started working with horses at a non-profit and that has forced me to become more courageous and assertive with people (because dominant horses will not follow your lead unless you are borderline violent).
i hope you get my point. it's not that i'm special or brilliant or hard working. i can be so dumb, so slow, so lazy, so neurotic and so scared. none of the things i mentioned i willed or could have even predicted. they were the side effects of following my sincere interests and i didn't choose what i found interesting in the same way i didn't choose to find sugar sweet. it's beautiful i think. when you go on a journey that you enjoy for the sake of the journey and you simultaneously end up at a beautiful place that you didn't plan or expect.
and to really nail the point, let's talk about my younger brother. my younger brother has never really cared for school at all. as much as my parents and i tried to get him to study for his SATs, i think he opened the books once or twice at most and for a very short time. he truly didn't care about getting good grades just so he can have a good career in something that he doesn't even know what is. but, sometime in college, he found his calling. he had a friend who really wanted to be in the NYPD and he volunteered for like 5 years as an auxiliary, but still had no path to it. my brother, meem (his middle name) found out how to best become a police officer despite knowing no police officers or anyone who knew how to be one. he got into the NYPD cadet program which is like a paid internship that guarantees one gets into the NYPD upon graduation. for the first time, meem studied from his own motivation. he aced the exams and figured it all out so well, he even helped his friend get into the cadets program. he followed his interest. he listened to his want and he got what he wanted. this is what self drive really is. discipline is for doing things that you dont truly want to do. following your interest and feeding your true wants is self propelled and self sustaining.
kapil gupta (my first mentor you can say) said you can get what you want and in fact, he's right. you always get what you want. when you are so interested in something (for e.g. me in programming), your want will be so deep that you will essentially be possessed by that want like has happened to me and my brother. perhaps the feeling of true interest or desire is mother nature's mechanism to say this is naturally aligned with you and/or perhaps it's simply that you will invest significantly more and struggle through more when you are doing something that is engaging to you. i cannot garauntee that your interests will always give you something material or external or profitable (like programming has fortunately been for me), but there are many wonderful intangibles. perhaps you can enjoy the fruits of something you don't have interest in, but have skill in and that's totally your prerogative. or maybe you feel you really want something that isn't really your want, but you are going to pursue it and screw me for trying to convince you otherwise. and you're absolutely right. do as you will. in fact, i hope you do get what you want (within reason like not intentionally causing harm), but what do you think will happen after you do? at best, you'll just want something else. at worst, you'll either feel bad or have gold medal syndrome (a nihilism or depression that overachievers get after they achieve everything they ever dreamed of in life). but, feel free to find out for yourself. i sincerely wish you to get everything you want whether it's your unique want or not. if you truly want the most for yourself, i wish that you find what you truly want because you will get it when you do.
so... what do you truly want?